An Open Letter to my Biological Mother
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the pain you must have gone through. From getting impregnated by a man you met once, to the pain from hearing your husband tell you, “You can’t keep it.” The pain of knowing you must give away this child growing in your belly, to the pain of childbirth. The pain of glancing at the crying life that just emerged from your womb to the pain of watching the nurse carry off the child to be cleaned up and never to be seen again.
This time in your life must have been unbearable but you stuck with it, and for that, I am so thankful. I am full of thanks. I am full of thanks that you chose the private adoption agency where I was well cared for in the foster home for the six weeks I stayed until I was taken home to join my family. I am thankful for the opportunity you had to choose the family who adopted me. I am thankful you chose that particular family. Thankful that you had the foresight to make sure that I would be well taken care of by choosing the family where the father was a doctor. Thankful for the fact that I was indeed taken care of well. So well. Probably too well. I don’t know what I did to deserve it. I was nothing but a child, and yet I won the lottery.
Growing up, I had questions about you. All I had of you was a little blue sweater that you had sent along with me to my new family. I looked at that sweater over the years and imagined you. Made up a happy family in my head who just wanted to bless my parents with a baby girl. I know now that was naïve and wrong information my heart sent to my head. But I was nine years old and wanted life to be made of rainbows and butterflies. I imagined a woman who had a loving husband, a big house, and two adorable children close in age to my own. Your decision was made from love to give me up but who am I kidding. Who in their right mind would do that?? It takes a certain situation, not usually a good one, to give up a child. And you know what else it takes? STRENGTH. The strength to do what is right in your heart of hearts. I don’t know why you thought going through all that trouble was worth it. One afternoon at the woman’s clinic and it could have been over. It would have saved you years of heartache and wonder and money trying to find me. But you made a decision, and you went through with it. And then 21 years later you found me.
And here is where I need to apologize again. We no longer live in the same area in the same state. I don’t know when I will be back there. But there’s always email, right? But that’s the thing. I travel. I create businesses. I’m busy, and I hardly have time for my own life, can’t be bothered to message you to ask how you are. I know I should. I know I should message you when I see you post on Facebook that you are sick. I know I should message you about work, your dogs, engage you in some way. I don’t know what to say.
I feel horrible, but I am sorry. Please message me. Don’t stop trying to connect. You’ve come this
far….don't stop now. But let me just tell you how you have affected my life. You know, other than the whole life giving thing.
I think about you every time I create something. Without your decision to keep me alive I wouldn’t be here. And I remember your kindness every day. I owe you. I owe it to you to live my best life, and that’s what I am trying to do. I create things that try to help others, and this is all because of one decision you made 32 years ago.
I was given a chance at life, and I am not about to waste it.
Thank you for giving me the gift of life.